Praying When One Can’t Say Anything

I met up with an old friend to catch up. I’m glad to hear that she will be getting married in the near future, although it means that she will be leaving the country. Yup! It’s like losing another friend.

Although it’s nice to know that someone loves you and is willing to grow old with you, I think I might end up taking the frying pan and whack the face of a guy who tells me what to wear, what not to wear etc…

I do not know him and I can’t judge. Although there’s a “check” in my heart that wonders if she’s doing the right thing. But, I can’t say anything and I don’t want to say anything. I will just pray for her. That all goes well.

Longing For The Familiar

I met up with an old friend, whom I don’t get to see that often just because he’s so far away. Every time I see him, I wish that he could stay a little longer. It’s not because I’m harbouring romantic feelings for him. Of course, in my teens, I used to have a big crush on him. It’s just that not many people (friends) who are currently in my circle of friends (locally) actually know me that long. I knew him when I was 16. It’s been more than two decades… “quarter of a century”, that’s what he said. Seeing him makes me long for the good old days when everyone (including my parents) were years younger and stronger. Every time we say goodbye, it’s like a part of me gets ripped out.

I can’t really remember how he and I met but it was definitely through my sister. I was usually quiet around him because he was just too good-looking, the first guy I had a crush on (who’s not a celebrity or some actor). Yes, of course he will always be a very dear friend whom I’m reminded of each time I see a plane flying.

I so hate saying ‘goodbyes’ because each time I say it, I don’t know when I’ll see him again. And will miss that feeling of familiarity,… longing for the past when life was not so complex. No bills to pay, no car instalments, no illness etc… when everything was more or less rosy. And though he doesn’t believe in God, I do. So, I still pray that God keeps him and his family safe. I just wish he’s not so far away.

Green-Eyed Monsters and Second Chances

I know who she is, but I don’t know her personally. I remember how I celebrated when she got married. Because that meant that she’s no longer a threat. But lately, it seems like she’s back in the market. No, I don’t have any proof but just an inner feeling tells me that. Suddenly, I feel that green eyed monster coming out from hiding again. Although I know that even if she never existed, I’d still be driving a one-way street when it comes to the heart thing. He would/could never see us as more than friends. I guess accepting that makes it easier to let go and move on. However, the green eyed monster still appears every now and then, although it’s probably a tame green eyed monster. He is still special and close to me although we are so different in so many ways. Yes, I am almost over him. How do I know that? Because after holding a torch for him for so many years, I finally felt that flame dying.

Then I am reminded that God has other plans for me. (Sometimes I wish He will just show me the entire flowchart.) The thing is I’ve kept my heart locked up and handed over the keys to God. It’s been so long and I’ve not felt attracted to anyone for years. (Okay, with the exception to Loki and Legolas,…and occasionally – the Man of Steel). Suddenly, it’s like God opened up the doors and my heart is once again – free. And that’s bad news! I do not want to fall for another frog.

Once again, I want to lock my heart away and perhaps this time, throw away the keys. The right one will be able to find the keys…. if the right one ever existed in the first place. And he will have the best of me.

But…..I’ve seen my ideal guy.

Four Years Ago – Today

It has been 4 years. I’ve not forgotten although I didn’t want to post anything much on my Facebook page. Chien, you’re missed. My nights were more happening when you were still around. I knew more places to go for food back then. Every time I hear the kingfishers call, I am reminded of you. It’s just different without you.
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Faith and Believing

I shall start by quoting this verse from the Bible which came to mind when I was meditating.

Psalm 16:8-11King James Version (KJV)

I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.

10 For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption.

11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

I love the month of December because it means holidays are coming and I will have approximately 1 week to do what I would rather be doing on weekdays 8am – 5pm. I also love December because it’s Starbucks Toffee Nut Latte season. What I don’t like about December is the fact that the new year is approaching, which also means that the Chinese New Year is approaching. It used to mean more to me back in the days when my sisters were not married and it was like “Thanksgiving” or Christmas holidays when we have family reunions. However, things have been different for years. It’s more like a season when some cousins come and stay over because they would be doing the Chinese New Year visitations at a rural district and prefer to stay somewhere urban, and free of charge. Every year it’s the same, which means receiving the red packets (lucky money).  (Only singles receive this from the married adults.) So, there’s a certain stigma to it when older (married) relatives keep giving you “lucky money” even after you’ve hit the 30s..or 40s…and single. (At least, that’s how I witness.) Frequently asked questions are, “Do you have a boyfriend yet? Have you met someone? Are you dating? Why are you not dating? Isn’t there anyone in your workplace?” Of course as you grow older, the questions decrease but the money keeps coming. Relatives will talk to your father to find out about your marital status and if he needs help in getting that changed from “single” to “married”.

My sister and my brother-in-law once tried to set me up with one of his friends. I knew something was strange when she kept saying things on his favour and my heart said “uh oh” silently. Lunch was incredibly boring and I spent most of the time playing games on my iPhone because all the men could talk about was how the economy was doing and business etc… (Yawn…) I confronted her later that day and warned her never ever try that again.

When I was in my 20s, it felt like I was going to die, if my friends got married and I remained single. But hey, you don’t get married for the sake of getting married. My motto when I told my friends was “If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.” But that doesn’t take away the pressure from society. Of course, along the way, God helps you pick up the pieces of your broken heart when the one you adore doesn’t feel the same towards you; or… when someone you adore leaves for another country and gets married. It happens. Meanwhile, you get attention from people whom you feel zero chemistry with. This happens too.

Sometimes people around tend to make you feel that you’re incomplete without a spouse. Unfortunately this also happens in the household of faith. To me, life isn’t about a race to get married and have children. I am already complete, when Jesus came into my life. As for the rest of my years – however few or many that I will have, I hope to live life pursuing what He put me here to do…single, or married.

To those who keep saying that marriage and children will ensure that there will be at least someone to take care of you when you’re old, I say that it’s not necessarily true. Children when they grow up, may leave the country to work elsewhere. As for me, I know that only the LORD is with me all the time. And He will look after me when I grow old. My faith is in Him and Him alone, not in pension funds for provision etc… but God will provide for my every need.

A Reason? A Season? Or a Lifetime?

I’ve had a very strange weekend which started on Friday when I found out that someone I know has left the company. Apparently, she didn’t tell many people about it. I can respect that. When I questioned her where she’s going after receiving the out of office email, I received no response. There wasn’t even a message to say, “I would rather not say.”

It made me question if she had even considered me as her friend. It also made me wonder if I did anything wrong. I had not asked her out for lunch in the past few months since she had said that she’s very busy. Hence, I didn’t want to take more of her time. After all, she has been working so hard.

Then, I came across something written by someone “Unknown”. I guess sometimes, we just have to let them go, especially when we don’t have all the answers. I’ve decided not to ask her any further and just let her walk away. Perhaps she is meant to be in my life just for a season, or a reason. There is a season for everything. This is the season to say goodbye to her. I wish her all the best in everything and that God will continue to lead her to whatever path He has for her.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Memories in August

Here we are in August,… again. So, the memories come flying by,..again.

I’ve been thinking of paying him a visit. It’s been some time I visited the Western Road cemetery. It’s actually quite a beautiful and peaceful place but,..let’s be honest. Nobody likes walking to the cemetery, at least I don’t know anyone who does. I definitely don’t.

By the 24th of August this year, it would be exactly 3 years since he passed away but the memories live on. I still miss this friend of mine, who is like a brother. He has taught me so much about photography and it is because of him that I fell in love with products from Apple. I still remember the night he brought his Macbook Pro and showed me all the things it can do. By the end of our meeting, I knew I had to get myself a Macbook Pro. He was so generous in sharing his knowledge and even loaned me his telephoto lens (70-200mm), and a very humble man. If you had a chance to know him, you would’ve found him to be a very good friend too.

Rest in peace, TC.