I had expected the holiday season to be quiet and that we have to adapt to a new kind of normal but I didn’t expect to have to call the ambulance on boxing day. He had complained of severe pain and so we called the ambulance and sent him to the hospital to be examined. But at the hospital when the doctor examined him, he said there’s no pain. It’s so difficult to tell what is real and what is not real?
My neck and back got really stiff yesterday. Last night’s sleep was the least comfortable. Almost every turn I made was painful. I had difficulty turning my head, but that didn’t stop me from going for the swimming lesson. It’s funny that I didn’t really feel the pain while I was practising but when I was out of the pool, reality bites. So, how far am I in the lessons? I’m starting to glide without the kickboard and practising the breaststroke kick. Today, I learned the streamlining position.
Then, I had the strangest experience going for a massage to treat my stiff neck. The masseuse doesn’t really speak English and I don’t speak Thai. Occasionally, when she needs to speak to me, she will speak out and the other masseuse at another room would translate in Chinese to me. I asked her if she could be a bit more gentle but she said that being soft and gentle won’t help release the knots. After the 1.5 hours, my back is a little loose but oh so sore!
Pain is a word I dread. I think everyone dreads it too but it comes whether you like it, or not. There’s all sorts of pain. There’s also the ache that one feels with a broken heart.
It’s been several months since I was diagnosed with knee injuries. Sometimes I don’t know how I manage it. It’s a miracle itself that I don’t get depressed. Life has changed tremendously and at times I envy friends who live such happening lives. Oh how I wish I can go back in time. One word I can say is “grace”. If not for God’s grace, I wouldn’t have made it this far and would’ve seen grey clouds instead of the sunshine.
Leg extension from a seated position is now less painful. Praise God for that. In my previous appointment with the chiropractor, he had asked me to squat. I can now say that it’s the worst position to be in. I can’t even understand how some people prefer the squat toilets.
I thank God for friends who prayed, (still praying). It’s nice to have the support, but hope must be placed on God because as long as they’re (friends, family) human, they can fail you. One thing I learned is to put my expectation on God.
Soon, I will have my next appointment and very likely will be made to squat again. Yes, I’m someone who’s frightened of pain. If I ever got married, I’d probably decide not to have a baby because of all that I’ve heard from friends. Labour is painful, and so is the C-section (post surgery – of course.)
I will also need to learn to climb the stairs again. I wish that I can hear a loud booming sound from heaven commanding me to climb, even one step on the stairs, cos if I know God commands it, He will take away that pain on my right knee even as I climb.
Several years ago, a group of youths and I went to Penang hill for a retreat. I recall having to carry a pail and a guitar. The pail wasn’t empty, and I was relieved that one of the youths offered to carry my guitar up. While the pail didn’t seem heavy in the beginning, it got heavier as we continued our journey. When we reached the station at the peak, I felt my heart sink as I realized that the bungalow was still quite a way to go. When we almost reached the bungalow, I wondered if my arms were going to fail me.
Holding a grudge is pretty much like that. At first, it may make you feel even good, and slightly triumphant. Maybe someone did you wrong, and perhaps you may have the right to be angry but holding grudges will imprison yourself, and pretty much spoil your day. Life is too short to hold grudges and be angry.
Do I hold grudges? I used to. Sometimes it’s hard to let go but in order to live, and have peace in your heart, the best way is to let it go. Hold no grudges. I can’t look at the mirror and say I’ve not hurt anyone before in the past because truth be told we sometimes hurt people without even knowing it.
I have to admit that at times I get too self conscious when people keep looking at me. That happened when I was out during the weekend I thought people were looking at my knee brace. When I got home I realized there’s a dash of moisturizer which was on my neck. I had forgotten to rub it. How funny I thought. Cos all the while I wanted to yell “quit looking at my knee brace”
Feeling a lot of mixed emotions today. I have to admit that staying positive is becoming harder day by day. Why does the pain keep coming back? I have no idea what is happening to my knee. Today I find myself having so many questions. Will I be able to run again? Or even, before running – can I ever walk properly again? Like before… without any pain. Will I really get better? It’s been several days and every time it seems to improve, the pain keeps coming back. A miracle is definitely good right now. Doctors can only do so much. Medication can only do so much. I know God heals, but I wonder why I’m still having this knee problem. The more I read about those conditions in the internet, the more I wonder if I will recover. This wait is feeling so long. Choosing to believe that I will heal gets more difficult when what I’ve been confessing still hasn’t materialized.