I wasn’t stressed before I went to see the doctor, but now that I’ve seen the doctor, I am feeling more stress. Even more so, after the suggestion to see the specialist for consultation. Although I can’t elaborate on why i need to see the specialist, the result could change my future…some of the changes could be good but could be bad too, depending on one’s perspective.
Although I’m not looking forward to going to see the specialist, I don’t think I should continue to wait.
Somehow, death has a way to open one’s eyes on the realities of life; and how frail life actually is.
James 4:14 New King James Version (NKJV)
14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.
The first funeral I attended was many years ago. A classmate had passed away due to some sickness which we did not understand. She was a Moslem and I remember how our school had chartered buses to take us (her school friends) to her house. We took turns to pay our respect. I could only see her face as she was wrapped up in white cloth. The mood was sombre. I had lost a friend but I couldn’t imagine what her twin was feeling at that time. I was too young to do any deep reflection.
The second funeral I attended was my godfather’s. We knew he was suffering from cancer but we thought that he was recovering after the surgeries. We didn’t know that there was going to be a relapse. I didn’t know that he was probably fighting it in the hospitals all the months when I was busy with work and we didn’t really contact each other. It was until one evening when I somehow felt that I had to call him to find out how he was doing. I tried to ring his mobile phone but nobody picked up the call. I had an uneasy feeling and the next day, bought the newspaper and it was like premonition. I was led to read the obituary section and found his obituary there. I was shocked for sometime. I didn’t make it to the crematorium because it was during the season of Chinese New Year and having an old fashioned mother, she preferred that we stayed home.
The third funeral was my friend’s funeral. He was also my schoolmate’s older brother. This was also another shock. That night I cried because I felt like I lost my own brother. It felt so unreal because I remembered how he had texted me only a few days ago. But when I stood facing the casket, I trembled and cried. I went to the crematorium and met up with a few mutual friends. We arrived early and waited for the cortege to arrive, and seeing his casket pushed inside was like a wake-up call… I decided that I’d pursue my dreams,..however long that may take because I know there’s so much more to life than just performing the daily 8am – 5pm routine job. I’m sure God had put me here for greater reasons than just work, work & work.
Today, I witnessed (online) the funeral service of a great man – Mr. Lee Kuan Yew. Although I don’t know him, I feel like I know him by listening to the eulogies shared by the different people and I couldn’t help it. I got teary eyed for this man. Surely, this great man was loved by his countrymen. I was very moved by the eulogies.
I asked myself later, what am I doing today, that would leave a mark long after I’ve gone? Obviously I can’t answer that yet, but it causes me to think deeply how to live the remaining years of my life – so that I will be remembered the way I want to be remembered. And I pray to God that I will have an obedient heart that would follow Him all the way, so that I can fulfil the destiny He has for me.
I think the image below speaks what I had planned to write. I’ve decided to allow that dream to die. It has become emotionally draining to continue grabbing on to the hope that I’ll make it some day. I’ve decided to stop painting and drawing. Some people do make it big as famous artists, and some don’t. It’s time to bury that dream. If it’s meant to live, God will resurrect it.
Lately it feels as if there’s a tennis ball throwing machine in front of me and I’m running all over trying to avoid being hit. No, don’t ask me to make lemonade from the lemons thrown at me. When will it finally be my day. ?
Wasn’t it less than 2 years ago when someone’s pregnancy took precedence over my knee injuries. Back then, her justification to management was that she wasn’t able to do too much walking and the paperwork involved (getting approval signatures etc) required quite a bit of walking. So my portfolio increased. Then again, as I recall, she did quite a bit of shopping during her pregnancy. Didn’t that involve walking a lot in the mall?
And now, even my long awaited holiday may need to be postponed because I may need to be her backfill?
Ah Lord God! Now would be a good time to save me…
Ever wish that your life is less ordinary? Am I watching too many movies? Reading too many books? Am I dreaming too much, maybe?
I wish that there’s more exciting things happening in my life than the usual 9-to-5 job. Yes, I wake up, and drive to work and experience the usual fire-fighting situations at the workplace but that’s just so normal. When asked, “what did you do yesterday?” – I wish I have a more interesting answer than “I went to Gurney Plaza with a friend.” or “I spent the evening reading or painting at home.”
I wish I can say that I was at the lift in the shopping mall and some K-pop singers got into the same lift as well. (Of course, I’d rather meet Bae Yong Joon or Kim Hyun Joong in the lift than any K-pop singers.)
I have been really blessed to be raised by very good parents. I don’t mean they don’t come without flaws but then again, nobody is perfect. I’m thankful that we get along, although at times there is tension; and that is often true during the growing up days. Most people go through a phase when they think they’re correct. I think that’s especially true during the teenage years. I sometimes read (in the news) about abusive relationships in families and I am indeed grateful to God that I’m in a good family. I have a deep respect for my parents because of many reasons, but what I remember most is that one time when I asked for a one way ticket Toronto. It was my final year in Canada and I was very decisive about staying in Canada. I wanted to look for a job and work there. I wanted to live there. My parents did the honorable thing in giving me what I wanted. I’m sure it was hard for them because that meant that they would be facing the empty nest. However, they gave me the freedom to decide. Of course, I couldn’t find a job and that brought me home. While I spent months complaining about the heat, humidity and many things about this country, I believe God wants me to be here.
I admit that not everything is right in this country, but the grass is not always greener on the other side. In fact, sometimes it’s so cold you feel yourself thawing once you step in the house. (I’m referring to Canada.)
Looking back, I’m glad I came home. I wouldn’t want to trade the time I have with them (my parents) in their golden years. I will still feel the same, if I’m a married woman. But if I’m married, I might not have this much time with my parents.
Yes, sometimes it’s heartbreaking. As they grow older, it becomes more obvious that they’re not as strong as they once were. Even I have aches and pains and I’m the youngest in the family. When I was young, I depend on them but it’s slowly becoming the other way around.
I don’t want to sound preachy but if you’ve not been spending time with your parents for whatever reasons, trust me,..they’d appreciate your company, even if they don’t say it.