Tag Archives: Hurts

Forgetting What Lies Behind…

Philippians 3:13 Amplified Bible (AMP)

13 [a]Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

I had the a very difficult time at the office. It wasn’t because I had so many issues to handle but because I was so distracted. I kept thinking of the keyboard and the Wacom Bamboo pen tablet, and the new Macbook Pro which I will be buying (just a matter of time, as this 5 – 6 year old Mac that I’m using is slowing down…). It’s always a want vs need.

When I became a follower of Christ, I had said that I will return to God whatever gifts and talents I have. So, I’ve had the opportunity to play the piano at the chapel even without a solid background in music theory (truly by the grace of God). I was able to read and play with no difficulty. After taking a few music courses in the university, I learned to write music. Finally, when I returned to Malaysia – I took up art again, after so many years, leaving the world of colours and brushes. Then I started writing… again. Somehow yesterday I was feeling like a Jill of all trades – master of none. I even thought about learning music but was afraid of being the oldest in the class.

Suddenly that thought came to mind again, do something that’s a combination of the 2 (or 3). Someone once asked me to draw illustrations for children’s story books but I rejected that because I knew it wasn’t something I could do, and I didn’t have the peace in my heart. So, perhaps I should be writing the devotional accompanied by my own illustrations. (Design my own cover, etc…) As for the music,….? I guess it will come. Later.

Meanwhile, …. still pondering about the tablet and the keyboard. Perhaps the tablet should come first.

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Rehab

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So, I finally went to see the orthopaedic regarding my knee. It’s nice to see a familiar face as he’s a friend of my sister. I was so relieved when he said that it couldn’t be osteoarthritis. He explained to me my condition. In layman’s terms, the rigorous exercise must have caused this injury. Plica Tendonitis. Anyway, I took this picture when I got home from the physiotherapy.

Anyway, when I was lying down on the bed as the therapist used the ultrasound machine on my knee, I thought, there must be a purpose why He allowed this to happen. There must be something that He wanted to show me. I closed my eyes while the treatment was being done. After the treatments, I was ushered to the gym. Ah yes! The gym. I was led to the leg extension machine and the seated leg press. Unlike my typical training at the gym, this was minimal weight to rehab my knee.

Healthsouth.com describes rehabilitation as “specialized healthcare dedicated to improving, maintaining or restoring physical strength, cognition and mobility with maximized results. Typically, rehabilitation helps people gain greater independence after illness, injury or surgery.”

While doing the knee exercises, I looked around and saw a some other patients. Some old, some young. Suddenly, I had an epiphany. (It’s amazing how much easier to hear from God when one remains quiet.)

After I had stepped down from serving in the worship team, I felt like I needed some kind of rehabilitation. It can be really tiring and discouraging to hear comments such as these, “Why are the singers so dead?” Can’t they  be more lively? Who is worship leading this weekend? If it’s so-and-so,  I can’t worship. Only that person can lead me to the Holy of Holies.” My last few months in the worship ministry, I felt nothing but dried up, tired, discouraged and disillusioned.

Sometimes I feel like there’s this disconnect between the worship team and the congregation, whereby the congregation (some of them – not all) expects an entertainment instead. When I stepped down, it was like a moment when I had to just sit back and wait on Him. I was almost convinced that my initial application to be a part of the team was a big mistake. It was as if I was staring at the checklist, and I told God that this is not for me. It can’t be. I can’t and don’t dance. I can appreciate dance as a subject but to ask me to move about and dance is like asking me to speak Russian, or Greek. I just don’t do it. I was never shaped to do it. Then there’s the other thing, when someone approached one of the other singers and said “I like your countenance.” Hence I took it that the one who made the comment liked to see people smiling up there. This other singer does have a smiley face. Then I thought to myself, I guess nobody else in this team has that countenance, or the right kind of look on our faces. To me personally, I found it very discouraging. On my last day of service, I was going through a hard time because I had to put aside my grief. It was that weekend that I was attending my friend’s wake services and on my last Sunday, was the day of his funeral. I was still trying to get over that shock of his death. That weekend, if there was any smile at all, it was faked out and I am sure God knew about it because my heart was crying.

Just recently I was asked to sing along with the worship team. I was really surprised because I didn’t tell anyone that I used to serve in the worship team in the church I used to attend. I helped out last weekend and didn’t think much of it later. It was only after I received the SMS from the pastor that I had to really think hard and seek God and ask the question, “Are you sure I’m the right person?” I asked that because I was no longer sure. I asked God to speak to me in my dream and show me my current situation and enable me to understand and remember that dream.

True enough on that Sunday night, I had a dream. In the morning, I knew that God was affirming that call. Yet, I was worried that I would have to face the same situation again. I was still reluctant. As if the dream wasn’t enough to send me a message, it seemed like the podcast episodes the past week or so was touching on that same topic.

So yesterday, I surrendered. God, since this is from You – I will obey. Like what happened in my dream, it’s time to wipe away the dirt, forget all the negative remarks said by people, forget the bad experiences,… wipe them away, put on the spiritual running shoes and start running again. After all, it’s all about You, O Lord!

Romans 11:29 For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. (ESV)