It has been a difficult day. I was at hoping that I would have miraculously recovered today. I want so much for a Christmas day miracle but when I got down from my bed this morning, nothing is new. Same old pain on the same knee with the same issue walking downstairs and upstairs. What can I say? 2011 has been a very difficult year from losing one of my friends to this knee issue that doesn’t seem to want to go away. I’ve had so many questions today. Many of which, I can’t see the light. I wanted to go to church this morning but I couldn’t get an available parking slot where I didn’t have to walk too much and thus aggravate the condition of my knee. Then I went out to check out a pair of shoes that I may need to get before I go back to work. People in the shopping mall all look so excited about the holiday season and festivities. My mind wandered off and I thought about the people who are hospital-bound. It does get very depressing being alone in the hospital, or at home especially when everyone else is outside celebrating.
I’m not suppose to think negative. In fact, I’m suppose to think and speak positive. But I’ve been confessing the Word, praying and asking for healing, to the point that I’m already begging but I am seeing no change in the natural realm. I’ve been seeing the doctor and physiotherapist. “Don’t worry,” he said. But I’ve been housebound almost the entire month and in my natural eyes, I don’t see improvement.
I’m suppose to have a bright path ahead. But right now, it seems darker as the day draws closer to my next checkup. I’m suppose to go back to work early January but I don’t even know if I can walk properly by then. If I can’t even walk properly now, I can’t imagine how it would be walking with a backpack with my laptop which is big and heavy.
I still don’t understand why all this is happening to me? I am still clinging to whatever hope I have left to not go for the surgery. I’ve read so much about knee arthroscopy that if complete recovery isn’t something that can be guaranteed, then why would I go for the surgery and go through another 6 – 8 weeks of more pain.
If God was standing before me right now, the million dollar question I’d ask this very moment is, will He heal me? This is my personal struggle since I can’t see pass this obstacle anymore. I used to force myself to think positive and speak positive. Now, it’s more like, I just have to accept it that I may never walk properly again.
I still thank God that I have parents who are still around to look after me but if my condition doesn’t improve, I wouldn’t want a long life either. In all my life, I never expected such a situation related to my health. While I’m still hoping that one of the mornings this week, I’ll wake up and find this horrific episode gone permanently, I find that I’m beginning to lose my grasp on this hope.