This song has been playing in my mind quite a bit since last night. I believe the original is written by Elsie Dietz Lippy.
Little by little every day
Little by little in every way
Jesus is changing me
Since I’ve made a turn about face
I’ve been growing in His grace
Jesus is changing me
He’s changing me, my precious Jesus
I’m not the same person that I used to be
Some times it’s slow going
but there’s a knowing
That one day perfect I will be.
I’d add something else, “Little by little, every day. Little by little every way. Jesus is healing me.”
While I appreciate the help from the chiropractor, I know it’s God who heals.
It has been a difficult day. I was at hoping that I would have miraculously recovered today. I want so much for a Christmas day miracle but when I got down from my bed this morning, nothing is new. Same old pain on the same knee with the same issue walking downstairs and upstairs. What can I say? 2011 has been a very difficult year from losing one of my friends to this knee issue that doesn’t seem to want to go away. I’ve had so many questions today. Many of which, I can’t see the light. I wanted to go to church this morning but I couldn’t get an available parking slot where I didn’t have to walk too much and thus aggravate the condition of my knee. Then I went out to check out a pair of shoes that I may need to get before I go back to work. People in the shopping mall all look so excited about the holiday season and festivities. My mind wandered off and I thought about the people who are hospital-bound. It does get very depressing being alone in the hospital, or at home especially when everyone else is outside celebrating.
I’m not suppose to think negative. In fact, I’m suppose to think and speak positive. But I’ve been confessing the Word, praying and asking for healing, to the point that I’m already begging but I am seeing no change in the natural realm. I’ve been seeing the doctor and physiotherapist. “Don’t worry,” he said. But I’ve been housebound almost the entire month and in my natural eyes, I don’t see improvement.
I’m suppose to have a bright path ahead. But right now, it seems darker as the day draws closer to my next checkup. I’m suppose to go back to work early January but I don’t even know if I can walk properly by then. If I can’t even walk properly now, I can’t imagine how it would be walking with a backpack with my laptop which is big and heavy.
I still don’t understand why all this is happening to me? I am still clinging to whatever hope I have left to not go for the surgery. I’ve read so much about knee arthroscopy that if complete recovery isn’t something that can be guaranteed, then why would I go for the surgery and go through another 6 – 8 weeks of more pain.
If God was standing before me right now, the million dollar question I’d ask this very moment is, will He heal me? This is my personal struggle since I can’t see pass this obstacle anymore. I used to force myself to think positive and speak positive. Now, it’s more like, I just have to accept it that I may never walk properly again.
I still thank God that I have parents who are still around to look after me but if my condition doesn’t improve, I wouldn’t want a long life either. In all my life, I never expected such a situation related to my health. While I’m still hoping that one of the mornings this week, I’ll wake up and find this horrific episode gone permanently, I find that I’m beginning to lose my grasp on this hope.
We are now fast approaching a new year. The weeks suddenly seem to fly. Just a few weeks ago, I was busy checking and planning a trip to Sarawak for the year end shutdown. I thought, I could head there and possibly get some time away to reflect, and plan for the coming year. This of course includes time to roam around the city and be the tourist, but I really wanted some time to enjoy communing with God. It’s almost as if there’s this deep calling in my spirit to get away for a while.
However, knowing me… I would get distracted by different surroundings and the desperate urge to explore, and thus, I would be spending more time with my camera and the city of Kuching instead of spending time with God.
Hence, although this knee injury is causing me much inconvenience and some pain, I praise God that I have been given medical leave for close to 10 days to properly rest my knees. In fact, other than going to the rehab centre for physiotherapy, I am suppose to stay home, so I don’t walk too much.
I’ve embedded this video in my post. It’s a lovely song called My Beloved. And that voice is Kari Jobe. (I find her voice so soothing.) I hope you enjoy the music. I was really moved to tears when I paid more attention to the lyrics.
Here’s an excerpt: (My Beloved – Kari Jobe)
You’re My beloved
You’re My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love
It started out with the pain I felt when I was coming down the stairs. I took painkillers but that didn’t really help. The pain subsided a little but returned. I thought I had injured my knee, hence I visited the pharmacy to get something to support my knee. Instead I was prescribed some medication for osteoarthritis. It didn’t really occur to me that I could be having osteoarthritis. I thought that it would help me with my knee pain.
Then on one of the weekdays, I visited the in-house clinic and described what I’m feeling. The doctor had his hand on my knee and asked me to swing my leg, which I did. After checking both legs, he said, “you have mild OA”. I said, “What is OA?” His reply came, “mild osteoarthritis.” The first thing that struck my mind was “Huh! I’m that old now?” I’ve become somewhat rusty now. I’ve been given a box of glucosamine and was asked to not do anything that exerts pressure on my knees. I guess that scraps out training for the 10km run. I was feeling rather down initially.
No cure for arthritis? Really? I have decided to believe in God for complete healing and at the same time continue to exercise without putting pressure on my knees.