I was in a play once – when I was in pre-school. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Guess who I was…. drumroll…. the narrator. Hah! I was telling stories even back then.
It just dawned on me that many of us (myself included) have been rehearsing, not in plays but in this big drama called life. The still, small voice that I depend on,…told me this morning that I have been rehearsing on the wrong things. You see,..a small group of us were given a piece of news yesterday which somehow killed our appetites and dampened our spirits. Then every time another friend asked about how the day was, there I was – rehearsing the bad news and what I’m expecting after this organization change.
This morning, after calling my supplier, I felt God ask me to stop rehearsing the bad lines. Rehearse by speaking what is the truth because facts are subject to change.
John 15:7 King James Version (KJV)
7 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.
And I shall sought the Lord for favour.
It’s amazing how the message shared by my pastor answered the question I had in my mind – even while I was walking from my car to the church meeting. I’ve been asking God if this is it? Is this my life, going to work from 8am – 5pm, writing from home and not really seeing it go anywhere, dreaming of a better and extraordinary life and yet everything is mundane.
This morning’s message touched on many aspects of my life, the wanting,.. the waiting,… but not the “kiasu”-ism. Wanting a breakthrough but not really seeing it, or it’s just not happening fast enough. (But wait,…it’s God’s timetable. Not mine.) The waiting… I should continue to do what I’m doing while waiting but I guess I tend to give up while waiting because it just takes too long. And what if it doesn’t happen…
1 John 4:18 King James Version (KJV)
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
Bad news is so readily available in the newspapers. Sometimes after reading the bad news, it makes me think hard about my future. Today, I’m reminded about God’s love and it should dispel all fear about the future.
Yup! That’s right. I was born in this island of Penang and grew up loving the beaches (mainly because of the scenery) but no, I never swam. Not that I didn’t take up swimming lessons. I did try that but it didn’t work. Mainly because I was too afraid of water unless they’re able to come up with some device which would enable to me to breathe properly & without putting my nose in the water. When did the fear of water start? I’d say when I was a child. My cousins and I were at the beach and allowing the tide to carry us while we moved along the beach using our hands. So each time the tide goes out, our bodies rest on the sand but when the water comes in, we float. Suddenly, the tide that came in was quite strong and carried me further (from the land) and I panicked and swallowed some sea water but managed to find my way back to the beach, away from the tide. Ever since then, I stayed away from the sea.
So, I never could get past the “floating” stage because of this fear of water. Eventually, the instructor and I both gave up. Another lesson learned then, never take up swimming lessons for the purpose of trying to impress someone.
I’ve just signed up for membership at the gym quite recently and there’s a beautiful infinity pool; and a jacuzzi. I’m not that afraid of getting into the jacuzzi although the thought of walking around in swimming suit in public is still somewhat nerve-wrecking. So, I’ve been asking myself if I should take up swimming lessons. Called the swimming school today – found out the details but I’ve not decided.
I don’t need to know all the different strokes. I just need to be able to overcome that fear of water and must be able to float, and of course, the basic swimming strokes. But, what if even they can’t help me overcome my fear of water…..then I’d be paying that money – for nothing. Again…
A few weeks ago, I discovered a group in meetup.com and I signed up to join the group mainly because I wanted to meet more people. I thought it’s time to increase my network of contacts. Just days before the event, I was about to withdraw. I tried to invite other friends to go but they weren’t interested. Hence, I was left with to decide.
I’m glad that I did go for the event although I did feel uncomfortable at first because there were many people whom I didn’t know and most of them are expatriates. (No, it’s not a singles club.) And not forgetting the excellent food.
Traveling down memory lane, I recall my first few days in the university when I was so shy and scared of the crowd that I literally sat at the cafetaria facing the wall.
Looks like I’m beginning to overcome the fear of dining with a group of strangers.
There are toilet stories, and toilet stories. I must say, the lunch topic is interesting. One of the girls need to work late and she started talking about how scary it is to work late and how she heard that we ought to avoid certain toilets just because one of the stalls is usually closed at night. Then another girl started talking about horror movies. The fact is both girls are equally afraid of the dark. Why then, do they even watch horror movies? Kinda silly I think, to pay in order to instill fear upon oneself. To make matters worse, they started speculating on what was behind the closed door.
So, they asked me if I watch horror movies. I said no. I’d rather pay for a good hamburger. 🙂
I had such a strange dream last night. It wasn’t a nightmare (no ghosts, ghouls etc..) but a bad one. For some reason, I saw myself enrolled in a school of fine arts. There was an event, they were going to choose the best dancer (ballet, modern dance, etc..). Through bad luck (or whatever), they wanted me to do ballet. My response in the dream was “What!!!??? I don’t dance nor like dancing and you are asking me to do ballet? Are you for real?” Of course in the dream, those words were not verbalized but the meaning was there, in my mind. So, while the competition was going on, I did my best in avoiding by hiding in a room. I refused to come out and was thankful I didn’t hear my name called out. But I met a few who walked by and asked why I wasn’t out there. It seemed I manage to escape that torture by hiding in a room until the event ended.
In another scene, I saw a few of the judges walking into the same room I was hiding in. The dancers came in later. The tall judge sat down, facing the piano and started playing “Amazing Grace” in which we all sang to.
I thought about what these could mean. Then I remembered this bible verse.
You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah
What I am reminded about (from this dream) is God’s amazing grace and that I can always count on God as my hiding place, like the room I hid in.
I guess I have a bad habit of worrying so much about work-related matters. There’s just so much what-if situations that I know I sometimes end up worrying about something that didn’t end up happening after all. I have been trying to avoid the actual process of getting a manager’s approval for a work-related matter. In fact, I had reached the dead end. I didn’t know what else I could do. So, I went to see the manager and told her my situation. While I didn’t get the approval, someone else was called over and suddenly the burden is shifted to the other person because I have already done what I could do. I just have to remind myself to choose rest.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (NIV)
If God has said to cast all my anxiety, I should just lay them all at His feet. Just that occasionally, I feel like I haven’t left my backpack of anxiety down. What happened today was a timely reminder that I should let go, and let God. Looking back, if I had done that earlier, I wouldn’t have spent the weekend wondering what would happen if I couldn’t get the approval, etc…etc…etc…