Philippians 3:13 Amplified Bible (AMP)
13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,
I had the a very difficult time at the office. It wasn’t because I had so many issues to handle but because I was so distracted. I kept thinking of the keyboard and the Wacom Bamboo pen tablet, and the new Macbook Pro which I will be buying (just a matter of time, as this 5 – 6 year old Mac that I’m using is slowing down…). It’s always a want vs need.
When I became a follower of Christ, I had said that I will return to God whatever gifts and talents I have. So, I’ve had the opportunity to play the piano at the chapel even without a solid background in music theory (truly by the grace of God). I was able to read and play with no difficulty. After taking a few music courses in the university, I learned to write music. Finally, when I returned to Malaysia – I took up art again, after so many years, leaving the world of colours and brushes. Then I started writing… again. Somehow yesterday I was feeling like a Jill of all trades – master of none. I even thought about learning music but was afraid of being the oldest in the class.
Suddenly that thought came to mind again, do something that’s a combination of the 2 (or 3). Someone once asked me to draw illustrations for children’s story books but I rejected that because I knew it wasn’t something I could do, and I didn’t have the peace in my heart. So, perhaps I should be writing the devotional accompanied by my own illustrations. (Design my own cover, etc…) As for the music,….? I guess it will come. Later.
Meanwhile, …. still pondering about the tablet and the keyboard. Perhaps the tablet should come first.
I had a strange dream last night. Saw myself driving and when I saw a fork road, I took the left turn which eventually led me to a flyover that curves. While driving along that flyover (fast), my car made a right turn. Instead of crashing against the side (walls), somehow, it took off… in flight. That was when I woke up as I thought I was going to fall.
I thought about what it all may mean and was reminded of these 2 verses and it’s quite funny because I’m in the planning/procurement line. Prov 19:21 & Prov 16:9. So I know how it’s like to prepare and plan for things but sometimes the outcome isn’t what we expect or plan for.
I’m reminded that it’s good to make plans but leave room for God to work because His plans are always the best.
Proverbs 19:21 Good News Translation (GNT)
21 People may plan all kinds of things, but the Lord‘s will is going to be done.
Proverbs 16:9 Good News Translation (GNT)
9 You may make your plans, but God directs your actions.
Yes, I’m thankful to God for my pay raise. However, next year’s appraisal will be more challenging. May God bring me closer to my destiny – whatever that may be – I just don’t think climbing the corporate ladder is my destiny.
I do sometimes wonder why I’m so different from my siblings. Why is it that I don’t desire to join in the rat race, trying to climb to the top of an organization – or at least get to a post where I can say “I am a manager”. Sometimes I think life would be easier if I actually want all that for my life because I would be running after that with passion. Instead, the dream buried in my heart has higher chances of failing then actually being fruitful. Yes, I need that “God-factor” ,…the miracle for it to come true.
Why do I like the arts so much when it’s so difficult to “make it” out there? What if – I never make it until I retire…
Getting back in touch with old friends can be a bittersweet experience. On one hand, there’s the joy of getting connected to the past where there’s just so much precious memories. On the other hand, there’s the tiny bit of jealousy that they have attained their success…whatever that may be in their eyes. Some of them have always wanted to be a full time housewife, raising a family…and they’ve achieved it. Some have been outspoken and ambitious since their teens, and they’re now directors, managers etc…and rightly so.
Meanwhile, I wanted to be a famous pianist, famous artist, famous tennis player…(yikes…see that trend)… the word “famous” is there. Of course, you need to be famous, or your artworks don’t sell, or you don’t get invited to perform etc…Of course, none of that materialized.
Today, I want to be a writer – hopefully not a starving writer. Hopefully, … I reach there before retirement. It has been a very long wait…and still waiting.
I just had a deja vu moment. Last week, I was just thinking about how trying to find the path to my destiny was not easy. I thought to myself perhaps God’s guidance is somewhat like the GPS device. I thought since He knows the beginning and the end, I’m sure He’ll be able to guide us in the in-betweens. So, what happens if we fail to heed His voice when He tells us to take a certain path. Then I remembered how that often happens when I take other routes and I’ll hear that familiar word being repeated… “Recalculating”….
Then when I saw the latest program on Daystar. John Paul Jackson was sharing about “Destiny”. And I hear the same analogy…the GPS…and “recalculating”…Wow! Is God trying to tell me something…. Aiks!!!
My day started out well in the morning of yesterday. But it didn’t end up so well by the end of the day. Sometimes I am amazed how long I’ve lasted at the corporate world. There’s always conflict in my soul because I feel as if I’m being boxed up and thus, stifles my creativity. Yesterday I felt like people out there were just out to get me. As if that wasn’t enough, it felt like people were talking about me behind my back. I didn’t any anger swelling inside my heart but I was saddened. I wondered why I’m still at the organization. Clearly God has sustained me and given me additional grace to bear with it. Unlike many that are in the rat race, trying to climb to the top, it’s almost like I know that I know that I know, my destiny is outside of these walls of my cubicle.
There is more to life than just putting bread on the table. The corporate world is no place for creative people. Over the years I’ve just grown so exhausted trying to be someone else that I’m clearly NOT. And yet, this job requires people with that personality, and characteristic. Yes, and passion too! (Which totally doesn’t exist when I talk about my job.)
If God doesn’t sustain me (including my sanity), I don’t know how I’ll make it another day at my workplace. But I have to encourage myself and believe that although I have no clue why God allows this path, I will focus on what I do know, ie. This is not the end. I will reach my destiny.
New International Version (NIV)
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
I am a dreamer. By that I mean I get dreams and sometimes they can be rather symbolic. I’ve been dreaming dreams for several years, and the frequency has increased through the years. I remember in my earlier years as a believer, I saw 3 wheels turning together in unison. I once had a dream whereby I saw broken pieces coming together as one, like pieces of puzzle miraculously moving to form the big picture. I had that dream more than 10 years ago and it remains fresh in my mind. Today, when I look back, I have a better understanding. I believe God is at work in restoration.
Last year, I’ve had various dreams along the same theme. In one of my dreams, my father gave me a new car. (Note: In my dream, I can’t recall the face of the person I addressed as father but I know it’s not my biological father. So, it is my understanding that God was telling me something.) This car that my father gave me was a blue cadillac. It was big, shiny and new. He said he was giving me this car and it was up to me to decide if I wanted to use it. Imagine – the dreams I’ve had in 2010 were along that same theme.
Earlier this year, I had another dream where I was with a group of people at work in a certain land. It was chaotic. There was a volcano threatening to erupt. I found myself at the crossroad. My father was leading me somewhere and I kept looking at the foot of the hill. He said to me not to look back anymore, to keep moving and follow him. Reluctantly, I followed him. I saw myself going uphill (not the volcano).
One day I felt led to visit the church I’m currently attending. I had a few friends there and I thought I’d visit them too. Amazingly, it was at that church where I received a prophecy. Suddenly, all the things in the past made sense. I reflected on my past and on certain things that happened and all the things that I used to do even when I was much younger, my hobbies and interests etc… etc… etc… Everything started to make sense and I no longer felt like a piece of log floating on the sea wondering what I’m suppose to do. Yes, Rick Warren wrote a great book but I never stopped floating in the sea until quite recently. Yes, having a purpose makes a big difference and knowing what that purpose is really helps in putting some zest back into my life.