I know that this song is kinda overplayed. However, the title is circling in my head. As the years continue to pass by, I wonder if I’ll ever reach my dream. How do I keep painting if I’m not earning from any of the artworks right now? I can’t even motivate myself to pick up the brush nowadays and yet, I was actually dreaming big – wanting to do that full time. Seems like I’m still stuck at my 8am – 5pm job to finance my dreams (which do not seem like they’re getting any closer.) And if this job is what I’m “called” to do, why do I feel zero passion towards it? Should I just let my dreams go and convince myself that it’s the 8am – 5pm job that I’m supposed to do – although mundane as it is… Sadly, people are more interested in works by established artists. So, where does that leave us – the unknown artists who are trying to leave a mark behind. Perhaps I should just throw away all my paint brushes and never paint again.
I wish God would show me a clear sign. When is the line drawn? How long do I wait? What if I never make it – even after I retire….
So, I dived into the NaNoWriMo hole without knowing what to expect. It’s actually quite difficult to write out the ideas in my head. Found myself hitting the backspace key very often. Then I wondered if I should just continue writing and worry about editing next time. Will I ever reach 50,000 words?
What encouraged me is when I learned that a few of the ladies sitting in the same row as myself at church, are writers. I didn’t expect it at all.
How I found myself attending this church – i honestly have no clue. I have been a regular member of another church. I just felt a tugging inside that I had to go there. I discovered that church when my best friend told me he was going there. I was actually trying to discourage him but I had to find out what was tugging at his heart, that made him want to go there. I paid a visit on one Sunday, and I guess the rest was history.
There was a word given to me that I can’t shake off. Perhaps because it brings back all the memories of the past. Somehow they’re falling into place, at least I see them falling into place. Although I do draw and paint, I did write a lot in my younger days. For some reason, I have always loved notebooks, diaries,..empty books… because there’s an urge to write but not really knowing what to write. I wrote a lot of letters. Received many pens as gifts. I used to write short stories. Why I stopped writing – I have no idea. When I took the plunge and started writing for NaNoWriMo, I felt the thrill and excitement that I haven’t felt for a long long time. And definitely don’t feel that in my 8 to 5 job. What about art? I still enjoy art, it gives me peace and always reminds me of how amazing God is. Look at the world around you… stand by the Niagara Falls like how I did years ago… and all I could say was “Wow!”
I don’t know where all this is going, but I know that there’s no turning back now.
The prophecy was like a gentle breeze, blowing life into my hands. How was it possible that he spoke of something I never told anyone, I asked myself.
Ah…but then God knows all things. And if you are open to His voice, He will share His plans with you.
Quite recently, I discovered a song by Laura Story. It’s called “I Can Just Be Me”, in her latest album. I could really identify with it. The lyrics said it all. “Cause I’m so tired of trying to be someone I was never meant to be.” Sometimes I wonder if the raw deal I experience at the workplace is allowed into my life to propel me to move forward. By that I don’t mean trampling on others and joining the rat race since I’ve never been interested in the corporate ladder.
Looking back, I took the course that was suggested to me because computer science graduates were making good money. So, that was the whole point back then… Making money! Then I realized that in the midst of studying for the dreaded course, it just wasn’t me. Obviously because the passion wasn’t there and so I didn’t do well in the computer science related courses. I did well in music and I wish I had taken some art courses. I swear I would have aced the art courses. In the final year, I changed the program I was studying to Mathematics because it was too late to start all over and it was much easier than Computer Science. Praise God I graduated although I wasn’t present at the ceremony. I can’t undo the past and go through everything again so I believe God will use all that I experienced in the 4 years for something good. (He doesn’t waste anything, does He?)
Two days ago, while flipping through a fashion magazine, I saw faces of successful women. Some were CEOs, some others were founders or co-founders of some organization, and there were managers etc… It caused me to ask myself, “What about me?” Do I want my face in that magazine? Nope. But it made me realize I’ve been trying to be what everyone else expects me to be all these years and now, I feel like an artist…a writer…someone with a creative spirit trapped inside this shell called “8 to 5pm stable job” that brings me absolutely no joy. I don’t want to climb the corporate ladder just because that’s expected of me, or that’s logical. Yes, I’ve been called “stupid” because of my choice. But hey, artists are a different breed altogether, eh?
I can, sit around and wait for the dream to fall on my lap…OR, I can pursue it, and with God’s help, be able to stand proud a few years later saying “I did it. My books are at on the shelves at the bookstores. My artworks have been to different galleries.” I’ve allowed myself to not pursue them because money is involved. Yes, I’ve allowed words from well-intentioned people to sink in my heart. “That’s a waste of money.” But I guess today, wasting money is what you spend trying to fulfill another’s dream(s). I have to start investing in my dream. It’s now, or never!
It’s free-ing to know that I only need to be who I was created to be. Praise God! So what if they think I’m stupid at the workplace. One day I will stand before them and surprise them with what God has enabled me to do.
I spent some time thinking about my dreams. I realize that if I just do nothing, things would remain status quo. I don’t know if I’ll eventually find buyers for my artworks but I need to try. This means I’m going to be busier, drawing and painting more. Of course I’d be living my dreams if I could do art full time and not starve, and still get to travel. Praying…and Hoping!!