Green-Eyed Monsters and Second Chances

I know who she is, but I don’t know her personally. I remember how I celebrated when she got married. Because that meant that she’s no longer a threat. But lately, it seems like she’s back in the market. No, I don’t have any proof but just an inner feeling tells me that. Suddenly, I feel that green eyed monster coming out from hiding again. Although I know that even if she never existed, I’d still be driving a one-way street when it comes to the heart thing. He would/could never see us as more than friends. I guess accepting that makes it easier to let go and move on. However, the green eyed monster still appears every now and then, although it’s probably a tame green eyed monster. He is still special and close to me although we are so different in so many ways. Yes, I am almost over him. How do I know that? Because after holding a torch for him for so many years, I finally felt that flame dying.

Then I am reminded that God has other plans for me. (Sometimes I wish He will just show me the entire flowchart.) The thing is I’ve kept my heart locked up and handed over the keys to God. It’s been so long and I’ve not felt attracted to anyone for years. (Okay, with the exception to Loki and Legolas,…and occasionally – the Man of Steel). Suddenly, it’s like God opened up the doors and my heart is once again – free. And that’s bad news! I do not want to fall for another frog.

Once again, I want to lock my heart away and perhaps this time, throw away the keys. The right one will be able to find the keys…. if the right one ever existed in the first place. And he will have the best of me.

But…..I’ve seen my ideal guy.

To Meet or Not To Meet Him…

The worst part about having the contact number of someone you like is not having a reason to call him. The other part is having his email and waiting for the reply, especially if he’s someone who’s slightly more famous than an ordinary person. Then right after you give up waiting and you start re-building the walls (that once surrounded your heart – which came crashing down when you saw him)…one of your friends ask if you would want her to introduce him to you.

Of course, deep in your heart, you want that chance to know him…BUT feel extremely unworthy….Then you start running around in circles in your head again because that wall which you started rebuilding…. came crashing down again….

And the “you” is me…

The Cross

Your perception of who Jesus is, will somehow lead you to make a decision…Is Jesus God? Is Jesus a man? It would be your decision, and nobody else’s. In 1992/3, I made that decision and never regretted it.  To me, Jesus is God, and because of that decision, I decided to follow Christ.

Of course, I won’t say that being a follower of Christ, life is hunky dory and everything is smooth sailing. In fact, I think it resembles a long marathon with roller coster rides along the way. There are moments of joy and there’s sadness and unanswered questions. But that’s where faith comes in.

If everything has to happen my way, then doesn’t that make me god then? If I have answers to everything, then I don’t need God, do I?

So, to those friends who say that believing in God is like a kind of weakness where you don’t want to take responsibilities and ultimately say that what you’re doing is what God wants you to do etc… – my response is that’s not true.

But I am not ashamed to say that I am not perfect and that I do need the LORD and I remain grateful for what He did at the cross…the divine exchange that only He can do.

John 3:16 King James Version (KJV)

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Beyond Explanation & Imagination

Oh Lord my God, How wonderful You are. When I think about what You have done for me, I wonder who am I, that You should pour such love towards me. Surely I don’t deserve it, but You – O Lord drew me nearer to You. Thank You for saving me and for loving me. I can never repay You, but I can choose to live a life that seeks to bring You glory. -meiyen

My friend posted a picture of the universe and his status message caught my attention. He invites readers to tell him if God is even there. I wish I know what to say. I just sense in my spirit that he wants to believe there is a God but he’s unable to because he doesn’t see how a good God would allow evil. I wish I can make the decision for him but I can’t. Yes, God is very real to me. No, I wasn’t raised in a Christian home. I made my choice in 1992 and I never looked back since.

Matthew 16:13-16New King James Version (NKJV)

Peter Confesses Jesus as the Christ

13 When Jesus came into the region of Caesarea Philippi, He asked His disciples, saying, “Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?”

14 So they said, “Some say John the Baptist, some Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”

15 He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?”

16 Simon Peter answered and said, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

It’s easier for a person not to believe, because everything will be status quo, Life goes on, and basically he/she will live life the way it pleases him/her. On the other hand, when someone make a conscious decision to believe in God, changes will take place, and he/she will no longer be god of their lives. One can’t go where God is, and remain where he/she is.

 

Faith and Believing

I shall start by quoting this verse from the Bible which came to mind when I was meditating.

Psalm 16:8-11King James Version (KJV)

I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.

10 For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption.

11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

I love the month of December because it means holidays are coming and I will have approximately 1 week to do what I would rather be doing on weekdays 8am – 5pm. I also love December because it’s Starbucks Toffee Nut Latte season. What I don’t like about December is the fact that the new year is approaching, which also means that the Chinese New Year is approaching. It used to mean more to me back in the days when my sisters were not married and it was like “Thanksgiving” or Christmas holidays when we have family reunions. However, things have been different for years. It’s more like a season when some cousins come and stay over because they would be doing the Chinese New Year visitations at a rural district and prefer to stay somewhere urban, and free of charge. Every year it’s the same, which means receiving the red packets (lucky money).  (Only singles receive this from the married adults.) So, there’s a certain stigma to it when older (married) relatives keep giving you “lucky money” even after you’ve hit the 30s..or 40s…and single. (At least, that’s how I witness.) Frequently asked questions are, “Do you have a boyfriend yet? Have you met someone? Are you dating? Why are you not dating? Isn’t there anyone in your workplace?” Of course as you grow older, the questions decrease but the money keeps coming. Relatives will talk to your father to find out about your marital status and if he needs help in getting that changed from “single” to “married”.

My sister and my brother-in-law once tried to set me up with one of his friends. I knew something was strange when she kept saying things on his favour and my heart said “uh oh” silently. Lunch was incredibly boring and I spent most of the time playing games on my iPhone because all the men could talk about was how the economy was doing and business etc… (Yawn…) I confronted her later that day and warned her never ever try that again.

When I was in my 20s, it felt like I was going to die, if my friends got married and I remained single. But hey, you don’t get married for the sake of getting married. My motto when I told my friends was “If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.” But that doesn’t take away the pressure from society. Of course, along the way, God helps you pick up the pieces of your broken heart when the one you adore doesn’t feel the same towards you; or… when someone you adore leaves for another country and gets married. It happens. Meanwhile, you get attention from people whom you feel zero chemistry with. This happens too.

Sometimes people around tend to make you feel that you’re incomplete without a spouse. Unfortunately this also happens in the household of faith. To me, life isn’t about a race to get married and have children. I am already complete, when Jesus came into my life. As for the rest of my years – however few or many that I will have, I hope to live life pursuing what He put me here to do…single, or married.

To those who keep saying that marriage and children will ensure that there will be at least someone to take care of you when you’re old, I say that it’s not necessarily true. Children when they grow up, may leave the country to work elsewhere. As for me, I know that only the LORD is with me all the time. And He will look after me when I grow old. My faith is in Him and Him alone, not in pension funds for provision etc… but God will provide for my every need.

When Paths Crossed

In a span of 4 days, I met my cousin whom I have not seen since he was a toddler. I also met my second cousin, whom I have never met in my life although I’ve met her father about two decades ago. As usual, meeting relatives mean that one has to prepare for a barrage of questions pertaining one’s marital status. At least it’s true in most of the meetings I’m a part of.

So, my parents had a good time chatting with my 1st cousin (once removed) and I enjoyed listening to their old stories. I address him as “uncle”. Then the taboo question came.

“And you? Are you married?”

“No,” I said.

Then, the assumption was that because I attend church, there should be many potential suitors in church. I almost choked in my reply. So, they kept talking about their grandchildren and about some of my nephews & nieces who are of mix-parentage, and my second cousin’s children (also mix-parentage). They came to the conclusion that offsprings from mix-parentage are smarter. A pair of eyes looked at me. “Let that be a lesson for you. Think about it.” For a moment, I thought,…now,…if you could bring Legolas (yes – Legolas. Not Orlando Bloom) out from the book into reality, I just may propose to him. But having kids post 40 is a no no. Then i thought, maybe my first cousin didn’t know that I’m past 40.

After lunch at the hotel, I was reminded about changing my marital status. “But uncle,..I’m in love with a fictional character. Where can you find someone like Legolas?” I almost wanted to say, but kept it inside.

I can just imagine an ad sounding like this, “seeks long blonde elf who is armed with a bow and arrows and carries a knife. Also called the prince of Mirkwood.” I’m joking of course.  Sometimes, the only way to treat those pressures is to joke about it.