Category Archives: Anxiety

The Jacuzzi Experience

It’s been a few weeks since I thought about soaking in the hotel jacuzzi. Yes, that’s one of the perks of having the gym membership at the hotel. I actually came close to going yesterday evening but the dark clouds invited themselves over, and it started raining. Still, I’m wondering if I would actually feel comfortable at a public jacuzzi (public because it’s open to hotel guests). Then there’s the hotel pool which I also have access but no guts. Perhaps on a hot day, I may be tempted to just stand at the side of the pool to cool off. But it still feels silly standing there, watching people swim.

I once had a crazy jacuzzi experience. The tub was outdoor and it was supposed to help me unwind or de-stress but during the 10 – 15 minutes when I was in the tub, I was extremely stressed. (Since I didn’t have any swimsuit then, I was handed a sarong which I used it like my whole life depended on it. Outdoor jacuzzi could be fun if you’re facing nature…eg. looking at mountains, waterfall, beach etc… but I was facing an apartment. (Not fun!) With the strong currents moving around in the tub, the sarong seemed to have a mind of its own. I remember looking at my watch constantly because I was getting very stressed and uncomfortable, fearing that the sarong would fail me – and mind you, it’s outdoor. My waiting time grew longer because I felt uncomfortable coming out of the jacuzzi clad in a wet sarong. After close to 20 minutes, I was glad to finally be out and I recall the look on the therapist’s face. She thought that I extended the time because I felt really comfortable. I said nothing but was relieved to finally be on the bed for the massage.

Note to girls – wear a swimsuit at the jacuzzi if you have to go to one. The sarong would not be ideal.

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60 cm Gliding In Water

So, I missed my swimming lesson last weekend when I fell sick. Today I was given a “free” lesson because my instructor had forgotten to let me know that there was no class today. I was fortunate that the other instructor was around. It’s strange that after a two week gap, it felt like I was back in Lesson 1 where the fear was there again. Today, I was taught to glide to the front. At 60cm away, it was quite easy and felt safe but when I was standing a little further, I panicked and breathed in water because I couldn’t feel the wall. To cut the story short, I choked. It seems that it will take me a longer time to build that confidence in the water. Hence, I will be needing practise. When I look at the other guy doing breaststroke, I was like, “why does it look so easy?” and I’m here trying hard to shake off that fear and submerge my head in the water. My nose seems to naturally want to breathe in water. I need to practise, practise, practise but only if there’s a lifeguard around.

Not All Islanders Swim

Yup! That’s right. I was born in this island of Penang and grew up loving the beaches (mainly because of the scenery) but no, I never swam. Not that I didn’t take up swimming lessons. I did try that but it didn’t work. Mainly because I was too afraid of water unless they’re able to come up with some device which would enable to me to breathe properly & without putting my nose in the water. When did the fear of water start? I’d say when I was a child. My cousins and I were at the beach and allowing the tide to carry us while we moved along the beach using our hands. So each time the tide goes out, our bodies rest on the sand but when the water comes in, we float. Suddenly, the tide that came in was quite strong and carried me further (from the land) and I panicked and swallowed some sea water but managed to find my way back to the beach, away from the tide. Ever since then, I stayed away from the sea.

So, I never could get past the “floating” stage because of this fear of water. Eventually, the instructor and I both gave up. Another lesson learned then, never take up swimming lessons for the purpose of trying to impress someone.

I’ve just signed up for membership at the gym quite recently and there’s a beautiful infinity pool; and a jacuzzi. I’m not that afraid of getting into the jacuzzi although the thought of walking around in swimming suit in public is still somewhat nerve-wrecking. So, I’ve been asking myself if I should take up swimming lessons. Called the swimming school today – found out the details but I’ve not decided.

I don’t need to know all the different strokes. I just need to be able to overcome that fear of water and must be able to float, and of course, the basic swimming strokes. But, what if even they can’t help me overcome my fear of water…..then I’d be paying that money – for nothing. Again…

Running on Empty

Have you ever had one of those days when physically you feel like you will just collapse and and not know if you’re ever going to open your eyes again? Or maybe secretly, you’re hoping that you would close your eyes because there are just so many issues troubling you?

I feel so helpless as I watch my father’s condition deteriorate. I wish there’s some miracle and that I can somehow remove the pain he’s feeling. Yes, I know he’s getting old but I still want him to feel comfortable, even while he’s aging. If only I can remove his pain.

And somehow, when a parents gets weaker in health, the relationship among siblings can be a strain….sometimes. After all, we’re all different in personalities although we are related by blood. We all have flaws and have many different priorities, expectations,  living in different countries and different earning power. The one thing in common is we want him to be comfortable and not be in pain. And though there’s nowhere I’d rather be than with my parents as they get older, it does get very heartbreaking and emotionally draining.

I’m feeling so troubled in my heart and mind and feel helpless when I see him having difficulty trying to get up from the bed. Yes, sometimes I do cry but I need to hide myself in the washroom to cry because I don’t want them to lose hope.

On top of all that, I have issues at the workplace, pressure at the workplace and of course, the frustrations, trying to reach my goal/dreams – at the same time having people occasionally shoot arrows at my dreams.

God, I need a miracle. I need rest. I need peace. I need wisdom because I know many decisions need to be made.

How will I be able to travel to South Korea in peace? In a way, I need this vacation but how will I be able to go without worrying??

The Toilet Fiasco

Happy New Year! Gong Xi Fa Cai to the Chinese readers who are reading. Most of my colleagues are not at work today and the office is very quiet. Those of us who are working today have the green light to leave at 3pm. Still, Chinese New Year is just an ordinary day to me since all my sisters are not back for the celebration. They’re living too far away.

What I’ll remember most about today is the very long walk to the washroom. How is it possible that the washrooms that are not malfunctioning are all being cleaned at the same time? Isn’t the whole point of having several washrooms nearby – so that when one cannot be used, the other can be used? I had to go to another washroom in another building. By the time I returned to my office, I had used up 10 minutes. (I kid you not!)

Of course, what made it even worse is walking into the mensroom instead… Thank God there was nobody there.

I immediately knew there was something wrong when I walked in and saw 3 urinals in front of me. Is it because I didn’t have my morning coffee? Sigh…

So, I’m about to go home… and celebrate Chinese New Year…I mean eat! Yes,.. that’s just it. I celebrate by eating. Nothing more.

Have a good holiday!

Diving In

I have recently signed up for Nanowrimo. I can’t believe that I actually did that because I’m now wondering if I’ll survive. Yet, if there’s no deadline, the novel in my head just won’t get written and all I get are just scenes in my mind. Doesn’t that sound like a dive without knowing the depth of the pool?

I don’t know about you, but when I write fiction, I usually have some people in my mind, portraying the roles. I guess my favourite is still Korean actor Bae Yong Joon. His portrayal of the great king in The Legend is very much “stuck in my head”.

It also seems like bringing my laptop to the living room does help after all. At least I know I’m progressing and not stuck in one scene.

 

Facing The Unknown

Just thinking back, I had so many plans for 2012 but everything came to a screeching halt due to my injury. Either way, I will need to come to a decision soon. Sometimes I wonder if my fears are unreasonable. I have so many questions. If I don’t go for surgery, I don’t know if I’ll ever recover, and it could get worse. If I go for the surgery, from what I have read, some people come out all right and no more issues. Some people still have the pain and others get worse.

Am I waiting too long for the miracle? What if this really is in God’s plan for my life,… ie. going through with the surgery. I don’t like the thought of surgery because I don’t know what will happen. Yes, God will see me through. But then again – I can’t see everything in a blueprint and I don’t know how He will see me through. In which way? So, I’m not brave enough to face the future but it will come anyway.