Not Dead Enough

Two weeks ago, someone asked me when my turn would be to co-lead in the worship service. I told him I don’t think it would happen. I’m happy just being a backup singer, and probably would be happier if I’m a background backup singer. (In other words, I don’t like to face a lot of people when I sing.)

Of course, the fact that I’ve had several dreams along the same theme doesn’t help at all. Repetitive dreams about going back to school, having to drive a bigger vehicle etc… I had a feeling that there’s a new season coming in my life. A season of training. But I was afraid because, hey – who wants to be in the wilderness? I’ve been asking God what area of training am I going into? Right after that, a thought struck me.”You’re not dead enough, yet.” Then I thought to myself, yes, that’s true. I’m not dead enough. I still worry about what people would think of me etc… I don’t need people to think good things about me but I’d rather them not think bad things about me. And of course, that biggest fear is that someone or some people in the congregation might say the worship leaders should be more expressive in terms of dancing etc… (No! I am not gifted in dancing. The only dancing I can do  without looking like a total idiot is tap my feet.)

Then again, I’ve had to experience quite a few things the past few months alone that made me feel like putting a paper bag over my face. (Embarrassing situations where I feel the need to hide and where I can’t hide, I would have to just walk by pretending that nothing’s wrong or nothing happened.)

Car Park Incident – Yup, I tried to get into the wrong car. Why I tried to get in a white car, I guess I wouldn’t know since my car is not that colour anyway.

Coffee Incident – Almost ended up discarding the contents of the instant coffee and wanted to put the empty packet in my mug. (Don’t know what I was thinking… Overworking???)

Toilet Incident(s)

When walking in, one of my legs unintentionally pushed the lever (toilet spray) and the next thing I knew, it was raining heavily. The spray was pointed upwards and the water was sprayed full force towards the ceiling – and ended up raining on me just before the church service ended. (Miraculously kept a straight face.)

How about walking out without realizing that somehow there was a piece of (clean) toilet paper hanging because it somehow stuck to the back of your pants. (Static)  I was lucky that my shirt was white and slightly longer.

Inside Out

Now, the most recent incident – having worn my blouse inside out without realizing it until I got to church. The thing is I was having my breakfast at a cafe, without realizing that and I guess nobody noticed too. (Praise God!)

I’m still not dead enough but I hope I don’t have to go through anymore of these embarrassing moments to develop thicker skin. Having said that, I know I’m still learning to focus on what God thinks of me; and not so worry so much about what others might think about me. After all, the Lord looks at the heart.

1 Samuel 16:7 Amplified Bible (AMP)

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lordsees not as man sees; for man looks [a]at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”


Review: Me Before You

Since I’ve seen the movie and read the book, I’ll give an honest opinion on what I thought. I had read the spoilers before I went to see the movie and even prepared for it. Tissues, yeah. Though I got teary-eyed, it’s actually the book that affected me emotionally.

The book is easy to read. Of course, in the book, you get to read from different POVs. I didn’t think Me Before You is a romance novel, but a drama. I didn’t think the author was trying to convey any message but just telling the story of Will Traynor and Louisa Clark. I don’t think Will made the right decision. But then again, I’m afraid to think what I would do, in his shoes. It’s easier said than done. What I liked about the story is how raw it gets in the end, that the reality is sometimes the people we love could make life-altering decisions that break our hearts, and how happily ever after doesn’t always come – which is reality. In other words, we don’t always get life in pretty packages with ribbons etc. I think Emilia Clarke and Sam Claflin have great chemistry.

I know there’s been some negative feedback on the storyline. But this reminds me of that time when a few family members looked at one of my artworks and gave me some negative feedback. It was as what I painted would usher in doom and gloom. The thing is, what they thought was a coffin was actually the shape of the church buildings at Santorini ~ seen from a different angle. It hurt my feelings  because what I painted was far from what they imagined they saw. It almost stopped me from painting especially when there was no message hidden behind the artwork.

I can’t wait to read ‘After You’.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Matthew 10:29-31 Amplified Bible (AMP)

29 Are not two little sparrows sold for a [a]copper coin? And yet not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. 30 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered [for the Father is sovereign and has complete knowledge]. 31 So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

A friend of my mother was placed in a nursing home not long ago. She’s not married and her relative has been taking care of her, until their maid had to go home. In times like this, it does make me think about that infamous question, “what will happen to me when I get old?” At times it scares me to think about it and other times, I tell myself I will be okay. Then there are times when I ask myself where my true security lies.

I would never agree to that statement, “if you don’t get married, who will take care of you? If you don’t have children, who will look after you when you are older?” Truth be told, I know people who thought that their son/daughter would look after them when they’re older – but their son/daughter dies and meanwhile, they are still alive. What then?

The thing is, one never knows what would happen. Many times, life just doesn’t happen the way we planned.

I’ve learned to cling to Jesus.

Psalm 16:5-7 Good News Translation (GNT)

You, Lord, are all I have,
    and you give me all I need;
    my future is in your hands.
How wonderful are your gifts to me;
    how good they are!


What are you looking at?

This year alone, I have changed my spectacles three times. I suppose I could ignore the fact I’m just getting older and I need to wear the progressive lens but I would have found it very uncomfortable not being able to see things clear.

Sometimes life itself is enough to weigh us down. So, at such a time like that, what would you be focusing on? What are you looking at, right now?  It’s really easier to believe negativity because there’s more bad news than good news in the world today. However, I was reminded that I am to keep my eyes focused on God.

When in doubt, remember what Christ did at the cross. Remember the divine exchange and the sacrifice. Remember His immense love for you. I’m saying that to myself too. When you can’t see your future, remember the One who loves you is the one who is in control of everything. So it’s ok. He’s got you covered.

“Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Fear not, for I am with you ; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous tight hand.”

Sometimes It Makes No Sense, But…

I am reminded of something lately. Sometimes what the Lord requires us to do makes no sense, but when we obey, He does something amazing. So, here’s my testimony.

A few years back, some events that took place caused me to feel pressured to get a home. It’s tough when you have car instalments to make, bills to pay, the usual fixed expenses and not forgetting, the pay isn’t rising as fast as the property price(s). While I did save the money, I ended up allocating that portion for potential medical expenses for my parents. So, it makes things even much harder for me to get a property. I remember crying out to God telling Him…”I don’t know what to do anymore.” It’s not weakness to cry to Him. And I know deep in my heart He wanted me to wait.

Wait on Him – because He will provide. Wait – because He had not asked me to buy any property. Wait because the time is not right, even though external pressure is mounting up and common sense says do it now. I didn’t have the financial means to do it and I didn’t want to depend on anyone else, including my sibling. Lastly, wait because He says so.

Psalm 34:18 The Message (MSG)

18 If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.

Again, I was asked if I wanted to get a property, someone offered to help me with the downpayment. Knowing that it’s not what God wanted me to do, I said no, I would wait.

Fast forward to the present time, God has indeed provided for me. I will be signing the sales & purchase document soon. Not only is the style inspired by my favourite island in Greece, the location is somewhere I really like.

For all this, I give God all the glory.

Psalm 54:4 Amplified Bible (AMP)

Behold, God is my helper and ally;
The Lord is the sustainer of my soul [my upholder].

The Rude Driver

Today could’ve been my typical Wednesday but it didn’t happen that way. On my way home, someone hit the back of my car. And to make matters worse, he didn’t bother to stop at the side of the road to check the condition of my car. I motioned to him to get to the  nearest petrol station. For a while, he seemed to follow but he drove off. (I even have a picture of his car and his car registration number. I had a good look at his face as well. He was sitting next to a lady who’s also wearing spectacles. He looks like he’s in his 30s and the lady, probably late 20s. When I honked, they refused to look my way initially. When she did, she hurriedly looked to the front and ignored. So now, there’re some scratches at the back of my car and a tiny hole.

So, to the owner of that driver, I do have your car registration number in the photo. And there’s even a “P” sticker on your car. The fact that I didn’t go to the police station to report you doesn’t mean you are in the right. It saves me the hassle of claiming from your insurance and the saves me from the inconvenience of being car-less if I send the car for repair. You really do not deserve a car. If you had paid attention, that “accident” wouldn’t have happened as my car was stationary and so were the other cars in front of me.  After what you did to my car, I don’t have the mood to bless you. In my mind, I visualise you facing a series of flat tyres (plural) incidents every time you speed until you know it’s totally uncool to hit and run.