Not Dead Enough

Two weeks ago, someone asked me when my turn would be to co-lead in the worship service. I told him I don’t think it would happen. I’m happy just being a backup singer, and probably would be happier if I’m a background backup singer. (In other words, I don’t like to face a lot of people when I sing.)

Of course, the fact that I’ve had several dreams along the same theme doesn’t help at all. Repetitive dreams about going back to school, having to drive a bigger vehicle etc… I had a feeling that there’s a new season coming in my life. A season of training. But I was afraid because, hey – who wants to be in the wilderness? I’ve been asking God what area of training am I going into? Right after that, a thought struck me.”You’re not dead enough, yet.” Then I thought to myself, yes, that’s true. I’m not dead enough. I still worry about what people would think of me etc… I don’t need people to think good things about me but I’d rather them not think bad things about me. And of course, that biggest fear is that someone or some people in the congregation might say the worship leaders should be more expressive in terms of dancing etc… (No! I am not gifted in dancing. The only dancing I can do  without looking like a total idiot is tap my feet.)

Then again, I’ve had to experience quite a few things the past few months alone that made me feel like putting a paper bag over my face. (Embarrassing situations where I feel the need to hide and where I can’t hide, I would have to just walk by pretending that nothing’s wrong or nothing happened.)

Car Park Incident – Yup, I tried to get into the wrong car. Why I tried to get in a white car, I guess I wouldn’t know since my car is not that colour anyway.

Coffee Incident – Almost ended up discarding the contents of the instant coffee and wanted to put the empty packet in my mug. (Don’t know what I was thinking… Overworking???)

Toilet Incident(s)

When walking in, one of my legs unintentionally pushed the lever (toilet spray) and the next thing I knew, it was raining heavily. The spray was pointed upwards and the water was sprayed full force towards the ceiling – and ended up raining on me just before the church service ended. (Miraculously kept a straight face.)

How about walking out without realizing that somehow there was a piece of (clean) toilet paper hanging because it somehow stuck to the back of your pants. (Static)  I was lucky that my shirt was white and slightly longer.

Inside Out

Now, the most recent incident – having worn my blouse inside out without realizing it until I got to church. The thing is I was having my breakfast at a cafe, without realizing that and I guess nobody noticed too. (Praise God!)

I’m still not dead enough but I hope I don’t have to go through anymore of these embarrassing moments to develop thicker skin. Having said that, I know I’m still learning to focus on what God thinks of me; and not so worry so much about what others might think about me. After all, the Lord looks at the heart.

1 Samuel 16:7 Amplified Bible (AMP)

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lordsees not as man sees; for man looks [a]at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”